Catch up time!

So it's been awhile but a few things are up.......we did it! I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant with a little boy! Me and my husband are super psyched but super careful since it is high risk due to age and epilepsy. So far everything looks good, he's even longer than average length at this time so everything is well!

I worked as a TSS for about a month and half and wasn't able to take any jobs in the summer due to health reasons. One thing I've found out about being a counselor in this state is that you're kind of trapped right after graduation. You can't be state licensed without 2 years of post-graduate experience AND 3500 hundred work hours with supervision. So I can't get a job without a license but I can't Not to mention the majority of jobs require certification and/or drivers license and car or are in remote places that I can't get to due to the fact that I can't drive for health reasons. So I'm really fuckin trapped!

I've had this epilepsy the majority of my life and literally survived until I was past the age of 30 with no problems. Why is it that the one career I truly want and worked my ass off for requires something I have no control of? If that's not fair, I really don't know what is.

Blah blah

I feel restless.....staying home and waiting for my "job offer" to actually start is driving me nuts. So far I've been doing everything, training, appointments, meetings, when do I fucking start work so I can make money? AAaaahhhhhh.....

I can't stand not having things to do. Even my husband picks up on my feeling useless....as if I have nothing to do with my life. I've always been goal-oriented where if I can't make it, I feel useless. Not always a good feeling but hey, I'm here for a reason right? Damn....

I think too much.....

So while I was reading an article describing 15 facts about being a perfectionist, I basically had an epiphany. Not that I'm a perfectionist, but that I worry way too much about what other people, specifically my family members, think. For example, one person was in shock about what a person posted and although I had no problem with it, I was frantically worried about how person 1 would think of person 2 and how to "fix it." In other words, I have to focus on myself and how I feel and think about things. Granted the person who felt that way was close, but still. Especially now with my starting to work soon (hopefully) and trying to start a family, I can NOT be worried about what other people think.............sheeesh.

The feeling of emptiness....

I'll admit there are times when I feel alone or empty and there's this weird feeling in my stomach. I know the main reason is because I'm not working so I have nothing to do. It almost makes me feel meaningless, but at the same time, that would almost mean I'm a workaholic. Like I need something to do to feel meaningful. I'll lie in bed and ask what the purpose of my being on this earth is since I have nothing now. 

Sometimes I want to ask him to do things but at the same time, I don't want to be a needy housewife (no offense to housewives). It's almost like I'm trapped beacuse a woman would stay home if she didn't need to work in which case she's available to travel, socialize etc. Except in my case, I'm unavailable to go out and do whatever I want. [sigh] 

I know the bottom line is how I have to be patient since everything will happen in due time. I've had the interview and they've offered the job so it's not that it won't happen. I just need to be able to hold on until it starts. I just thought of that song from Wilson Philips, "Hold On for One More Day"

 Sheesh

Why are Desis so judgmental?

I swear growing up in a Desi family and community can be the worst. Granted I know there are a lot of positive things about it: loyalty, commitment, community involvement etc. But the main problem with all of that is that a person or family has to be accepted by the community before any of that will happen. That's where the judgment kicks in. In the mind of a Desi, a family is one thing: Father, Mother, children, occasionally grandparents and extended family. Anything besides that is outside the definition of a "normal" family. Even religion isn't that much of a big deal.

So what happens to gay and lesbian Desis? Just wait.....partly it's how/where they live because some families will disown their children if they come out. Certain parts of the States might help as there are a lot of communities that would accept them. But you have other communities where no one will say anything to your face (culturally it's rude to offend someone in their face but it's fine to talk about it behind their back) but it's a hot topic outside. The best way to learn is when you can hear about events going on (parties, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers etc.) that you're not even officially told about, forget being invited to.

For some reason, Desis are brought up thinking there is one acceptable family and with those sexism kicks in where if one of the parents die, the father can remarry but the mother shouldn't. It's especially hard when you're Desi-American and brought up in a time and place where you learn one thing at home and are introduced to different things outside.

Especially now where I've bumped into people in the community who have this weird idea that gay and lesbian people shouldn't be allowed to get married, have families etc. As if they are a different species and should be separated! Who the fuck comes up with this shit? Why are people even judged on who they are? All human beings should be given the same basic rights, one of the most important is to be able to marry whoever you love. Whether the couple is gay/lesbian or straight shouldn't even matter! All humans want to have a happy life and denying that right to anyone is flat out wrong.

When people start bringing up religion for the definition of marriage, it pisses me off the most. Religion is faith and the concept of faith is about believing without solid proof. That's the whole point so if it can't be physically proven, it can't be used in court. Thus, religion can't be used to justify a law against marriage. Period. 

Why is my family crazy?

I love my family to death....I would do [almost] anything for them but why do people's personalities and cultural beliefs get in the way of relationships? Not only their own but their immediate relatives and children? Not only that but the way their relationships within immediate family members become involved having an effect on their relationships with extended family members? I'll hear about a specific event that happened some 15 years ago between AR and a friend regarding MP. AR was an adolescent at the time, therefore the person didn't entirely think about the effects of his action. But his action offended MP who then told some immediate family members who still to this day, can't stand AR. The worst problem (in my opinion) is that no one every confronted AR or MP or other fm (family members) and they still can't stand the poor guy.

Currently this same situation is occurring between other people in the family. Person A said/did something and Person C and D weren't happy and since culturally you're supposed to respect and elder and not confront them (at least publicly, it's called "harmony" in cultural psychology) the situation was never concluded. As a result, whenever they are all observed at a familial event, none of them regard the other's existence. Can we all please grow up?

The worst part is when certain people not only hold grudges but also get "offended" (exactly how offended I'm not sure) where if they're not officially invited to an event, they don't come. When I say "officially" I mean Person 1 calls Person 2, as opposed to Person 1 was asking Person 2's parents and asked them to extend the message. Seriously? [Sigh]

It's been years.....

Wow, I feel like I haven't had a blog in years, which is pretty true. I think I'm so used to my mind running nonstop and my mouth can't follow up in time. I remember back in the day when I started on LiveJournal I would jump around from one topic to another. Going back in time I could see how I've been through so many phases in life....first the adolescent mind where I disagreed with everything my parents said and pretty much tortured them. Then when I actually grew a little I would understand why they had certain points but at the same time, I wouldn't agree. Now I think my own way and act my own way and I understand why they think the way they do but our relationship is still a little awkward sometimes. I understand my mom will always see me as her daughter but it's still a little annoying how I feel I have to justify everything, even after getting married. In their mind, you're not an adult until you marry but that's another topic for another blog...lol

So here's my first blog entry, to let me vent and get things off my mind. It is kind of funny especially telling people I had part of my brain removed yet it's still too active...lol